Remember my last post? About my amazing balancing act and finding/knowing yourself? Yeah. Today is one of those other days. The days where you find yourself sobbing in the car in the Wal-Greens parking lot while you make your child a collage of pictures with tape and $10 scissors. That sounds crazy right? Let me start at the beginning.
I woke up this morning with a massive tension headache. I took all the medicine I could safely take and it wasn’t helping. When I get those I can’t really move my head. So I was already going to be late to work. When I got to my daughters PRE-K class, I realized I’d forgotten to do her homework with her. (Side note, she’s not even four, why do we have homework?!) It’s this thing where they need to make a collage of pictures that start with the letter of the week. (Side note, she’s not even allowed to use scissors, she cut her own hair a few days ago) We (I) never got around to doing it, I forgot. I had a mommy mess up. And it really bummed my kid out that she didn’t have hers when everyone else did. I started crying. Like I made it safely out of her classroom and I was rocking my badass aviators, but I cried. By the time I made it to Wal-Greens? Ugly cry. Sobbing.
I hated letting my kid down, it made me feel horrible. So I called my work, explained to my boss that I would be even later but I needed to do this for my daughter. Or at least I tried to say all that, but instead I’m pretty sure it was just unintelligible mumbling through heaving breaths. I’ve very lucky to work where I do. My amazingly wonderfully boss calmed me down and told me to take the day and take care of myself and to figure out what I needed. You see, she knew me well enough to know that my tears weren’t about the letter of the week. Letting Stoli down was just the final straw. It’s what broke me.
I have a toddler, I have a husband that owns his own company and works way more hours than humanly possible, I have a house that is literally in a constant state of being remodeled, I have an adoption in the works, I have books that won’t write themselves, and I have a full time job. It’s a lot. And most days I deal and move on, but today? It was too much and I lost my shit. As I was sleeping last night, my stress made me tense. It made me sick. And when I looked into my daughter’s disappointed face, I broke down.
I had a meltdown, and I’m okay with that. Because now I’ve let it all out and it’s time to move on and deal with my issues. I need to re work my schedule and I need to prioritize and I need to be more organized. I know my weaknesses, (I’m a hot mess that is living in complete chaos) I own them, I just can’t let them cripple me. I’m not the only woman in the world that is trying her damnedest to do it all. Be everything to everyone and be the best version of herself at the same time. I’m sure there are a million people out there that have it way harder than I do. Hell, my closest friends are freaking super heros! One of them has four kids under the age of 11 and she runs a company. One of them has a toddler with a baby on the way, is the soul bread winner and has a husband that currently lives in another city going to school. In comparison to most, my problems are minimal. But today? They seemed monumental.
We all wear capes, mine just got all tangled up, and I fell. But as I sit here in my guest room (one of the only rooms not being effected by the overhaul) writing this blog post and sharing my life with you, I’m already starting to feel better. Stronger. More equipped for my life. Today I had no balance, tomorrow will be better.
P.S. It’s world book day, so my novel St. Leasing (Book One) is free this week